Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm weak...

Be warned, this post is random, all over the place and a little crazy...

I feel like screaming! I cannot get back on freaking track with my eating. And I'm beating my head against the wall wondering WHY? Why did I buy the ice cream? Why am I eating more than 1 bowl a night? Why am I sneaking bites of ice cream randomly through out the day? Why did I buy chocolate hearts at the store? I'm so annoyed with myself but I can't stop. Since the New Year I am majorly stressing about going back to work in April. I just feel that I'm already SO super busy, how the heck am I going to fit 8 hours of work, five days a week into my schedule? Seriously? And of course I'm going to miss my boys like crazy! I really really wish I could stay home with them, ugh anyway, I'm going to cry! So, I've been super stressed about that, and what do I do? I eat. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs but I eat.

My name is Christine and I'm addicted to food.

I really feel like for the first time in my life I'm starting to see this and admit it. I turn to food for everything, boredom, sadness, happiness, stress. Because of it I haven't lost weight in a month and a half, I can't get back on track. The weeks where I've done well and not bought any junk food during groceries, I found a way to go to a drive-thru. Weeks where I didn't eat any fast food, I bought junk at the grocery store.
Today I went out, and I wanted fast food SO badly but I resisted and I was really proud of myself but then I ate ice cream at home (because it's here).
It was my husband's birthday on the weekend, I made him a spice cake with butter cream icing and we also bought a small chocolate cake. I ended up eating most of the spice cake myself, because I don't have ANY self-control and I was disgusted with myself, but I kept eating. And don't think I sat at the table in front of my friends and ate the cake, no, I ate it alone in the kitchen the next day and the day after when no one was home.
You know what? This is cathartic, I'm bawling my eyes out, but in a good way. It's only since I started losing weight this time (last summer) that I started thinking about my relationship with food and being honest with myself. And blogging has made me write honest, public posts which has helped me be honest with myself.
We all know what to do, eat well and exercise. I exercise, I've been on track with my exercise but food is my problem, my drug. And I cannot snap out of it. Am I resting on my laurels from my 30lbs weight loss? Am I losing my self-esteem? Am I letting the stress overwhelm me? Whatever the reason, why can't I get on track?
I honestly don't know what will help me and how to get back on track. Sometimes I wish I could go to food rehab, and if Dr. Drew and Bob Harper were there, that would be a bonus!
So frustrated...


  1. I hear you. I have been fighting this for so long. I guess I'm winning in that I eat a lot less, but I need to lose so much more weight that I have to fight not only the use of food as a drug, but also fight just plain hunger. No, an apple doesn't do it. Wish there was something you could take to just kill the desire for food. Well, heck, there prob is, and am sure it's not legal lol!

  2. HUGS Christine! I can relate to your words here so well. I personally ahve not ever found the whys, I just have to push through it...keep going. What I ahve learned though is beating myself has done no good...none at all. Would you beat a dear frined up for slipping up on her diet? Treat yourself as you would someone you love..becasue we need to learn to love and care for oursleves the same way we care for others. Remeber Thomas Edison had a saying...I ahve not failed a 100 times but rather have found a 100 ways that did not work.

    You can do this...I know you can!

  3. {{{{HUGS}}}} This seems to be a common theme right now!! Keep your head up, Angel!!! This TOO shall pass!!! Im going to BBIM you at lunch!!!
    Love Ya Lots
    Dr. Mo ( @footdr69 )

  4. Christine - this post could have been written by so many people, myself included! I totally understand your pain and frustration. It is a never ending battle it seems. Thankfully we can lean on each other - you are not alone.

  5. I am going to post a comment come hell or high water! I have no idea what it will link back to but I am going to!!!
    Christine you are amazing! You have made it so far and now you just have to finish. You have your answers and now you just need to find the strength to follow through.
    You already have victory... you did not get fast food YAY!
    I know exactly where you are because I am you in the same place doing the same things at times. You have to find that little light that clicks and says enough. For me it is different every time but you have to find it.
    Maybe think about why you want to lose that 30 pounds. Why? How bad? Write it down and visualize it.
    Do not beat yourself up for being normal! Nothing about weight loss is easy other than giving up. Do not give up! You will snap out of it soon because you are addressing it. Once all of that crap is out of your house just be done with it.
    You cannot change what you have done but you can stay in control of what you are going to do. You will be okay your just in a slump.
    You are an inspiration and motivate me! Thank you for that and I love ya!

    Shannon Fab Fattie

    p.s. When I eat the whole cake will you please copy and paste my wonderful words of wisdom to me? lol

  6. Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom, I really did need to read that! It's comforting to know that others are going thru the same things you are, especially when you feel so alone.
    You ladies are so inspiring to me, and I have so much to learn from all of you!
    N - Thank you for stopping by! You're right, I do need to get back into the habit of eating smaller portions, I was doing well with that, and choosing healthy snacks!
    Trish - this is why I love your input, I never thought of it that way, about treating myself the way I would a friend, because I would never be hard on a friend like that! Thank you so much.
    Dr. Mo Thank you for reading and supporting, I just gotta keep going!
    Shannon, you're so wonderful. Thank you for such kind words and support and you're so right, I just gotta find that strength again and just do it, even if it's hard, it has to be done!
    I truly appreciate all of you!

  7. Thanks to all of you too, I get so much from your comments. Wish I knew how to treat self as a friend, feel my body is my enemy. Will just have to keep on keeping on...

  8. Christine, I can so relate to you! I am SO sorry it took me so long to comment on this, but I wish I could hug you!

    I'm not sure about your faith, but I have had to really get serious and ask God to fill up the places Ifill with food. I remember wanting to eat so bad once, and I knew I wasn't hungry, that it was just to fill the hole. I remember crying so hard and praying that He would help me.

    I definitely think realizing the problem is the first atep, as we've heard before. YOU are on your way to healing, girl!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. I live this! yep, I've totally done this. One of my other problems is the "who said I 'can't' have it" which gets me fighting back in the wrong direction. I'm home with my kids, it's not better, the fridge? yeah it's right there, the walk to the fridge? yeah that's not exercise. One thing I have been doing though is walking to the teapot or the water faucet instead. If you are "hungry" eat, if you are needy? get a drink, blog, work out, or find the hubbie and sneak in some other activity :) good luck. It's so hard to fight the emotional rollercoaster.

  10. Sarah thank you so much for reading and your support! You are right, it's about filling those voids, but not with food. It's a vicious cycle because you have low self-esteem and then you fill the void with food and then it makes you feel worse! I just have to break that cycle! I'm sorry to hear you were struggling too, but glad you turned to G-D for help, it's so hard but He can definitely help give you strength! :)
    Kyooty - thank you for stopping by and for the follow! It's amazing that so many people said they feel the same, especially when I was feeling so alone, it's comforting. Although I hope you feel better too! Yes I'm at home on Maternity leave and I find it so hard that the fridge is always there. When I'm at work, I eat SO much better, because I prepare! I should make my lunch as if I was going to work the day before! Hey that's a good idea LOL
    That's my other problem, hubby is away from Sunday night/Monday morning until Friday night :( which has definitely led to my lonliness/sadness/eating.
    But we gotta be strong and keep going! :)